My social experiences, summarized with one screenshot :
(except maybe replace "just now" with "5:55pm"... or something)
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We've all heard of anxiety at one point or another. It is the most common mental disorder in the world - and 29% of all adults will experience a major anxiety disorder at one point (with only approximately 5.8% seeking treatment for it).
It is a rather common part of our lives, isn't it? From needing to study for an exam and speaking in front of people to not getting enough sleep in a stressful work environment, all of us would feel anxious in these situations.
However, there is a fine line in terms of stress between nerves that motivate you to do something and panic attacks that prevent you from doing anything.
To reference my psychology textbook, anxious feelings and behaviors are defined as "an anxiety disorder when they form a pattern of distressing, persistent anxiety, or maladaptive behaviors that reduce anxiety".
For example, if you had social anxiety - you would feel stressed in social environments where people could potentially stare and make judgments about you. To prevent any feelings of apprehension, you may choose to never go out at all.
While it is a solution to reduce your anxiety, it does absolutely nothing in terms of helping them deal with the world that they live in.
That was a difficult lesson that I had to learn myself.
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Recently, there is a surge in people who opened themselves up to others online.
And I intend to do the same by putting all of my problems on this site for the whole world to see.
Just look at it all.
I know.
They're disgusting.
And it's never going to be easy to talk about them.
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But do you know what other issues should be dealt with as soon as possible?
The 2022 Russian Invasion of Ukraine.
Human trafficking rings.
The SARS-CoV-2 pandemic.
The stigma that surrounds communities such as the LGBTQ+.
And many more.
There are actions from advocates to take care of them because they are rather well-known among the community.
But there are also internal issues that often don't get talked about.
I believe that we are often afraid of opening up to others because we do not want to admit our fears and concerns. Sometimes, we may feel that people may judge us for who we are. If we build a wall around ourselves, we might think that we will never be hurt again.
But at some point, you have to open up and allow that wall to come down if you want your life to change for the better.
Your thoughts do matter and should be heard no matter what.
Now, if I were to describe myself - I would say that I am anxious, neurotic, an introvert, etc...
And you may hear a lot of people describe themselves as such when talking about this subject. Which could be irritating at times if you really want to hear different stories of people but keep hearing similar themes over and over.
I can understand that.
It is common to hear people talk about their issues from crippling depression to anxiety to being socially awkward. But regardless of how you view them, it will always be a legitimate fact they are all going to suck - and everyone's experiences will be different when it comes to dealing with them.
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I wish someone had told me that I was suffering when I was younger.
Whenever I look back at my life, I never knew how badly I suffered from this disorder as a kid. I really believed that everyone felt the same things I felt, except that they expressed it in different ways (which may relate to Piaget's theory of the preoperational stage in child development).
Based on my experiences, I can safely say that my anxiety growing up was centered around the growing expectations of my academics as well as my social life in general.
Anytime I was nervous, I have a tendency of picking and tearing at my nails until they bleed. I still remember the one time in third grade where I ripped out a piece of my nail on purpose, and there was blood over my finger.
I still remember casually walking up to my homeroom teacher and asking for a bandaid, saying that it was a bad paper cut.
My homeroom teacher, naturally, was horrified.
It is a compulsion that I've been trying to get rid of for years. I knew it wasn't normal - and I did make conscious efforts to stop it. But sometimes, I would find my fingers and toes already mutilated, without being aware that I was hurting myself the entire time.
In terms of my school life, aside from second languages and sports - I was a straight A student. As a result of that, everyone believed I was doing great.
Except that wasn't necessarily the case.
If I received a B or lower on my assignment, then it felt like my entire world was falling apart. I would have an agonizing feeling in my gut that would persist until I got my test results back - and potentially be even more disappointed in myself with them.
I believed that grades defined who I was.
And if I am unable to perform at the standards that I set myself towards, then I do not deserve to be loved at all.
I know that people will believe that I am being dramatic for letting something so "insignificant" bother me a lot. But as I said, it's not that simple.
I have no self worth, so grades are the only way I could use to quantify myself for having potential worth. Studying was the only thing I did for the majority of my years in primary school.
My grades have meant everything to me. They determine how I view myself, and how much I like myself.
But in focusing on them all the time, I had failed to attend to other matters that were perhaps even more important to them.
And that included a social life.
Which should be easy to fix... Except I was scared.
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I didn't have the best experiences with my classmates from my old school. This was a given, based on my lack of social skills. I didn't talk to a lot of people, because I wasn't sure if I could trust them. Needless to say, I didn't have a lot of friends. I was also "different" in a way that was visible and obvious.
And more importantly, I barely have any self-confidence.
That made me a ridiculously easy target for bullying.
They would zero in on any mistake I made.
They would frequently insult me, saying that I never deserve to have any friends (which I still believe to this day).
They would purposefully isolate me from any social activity that involved the whole class.
And they wouldn't be very ambiguous on how much they hated me.
The answer was a lot. Over two thirds of my grade hated me for the person that I am.
I remember getting laughed at when I have one point away from full marks.
I remember getting laughed at when I answer a question incorrectly in front of the whole class.
I remember getting laughed at when only the teacher claps for me after oral presentations of any kind.
I had to be careful when I walked, as I had seen people attempt to trip me up. I know they did this to wait for any act of vengeance from me, so they could immediately report me to a teacher. They knew that I desperately wanted a clean record, but can't do anything about the situation I'm in (in which I can honestly be proud to say that I kept).
I always retreated to the library to hide from people as a result.
It was the only place at school where I felt safe, for the lack of a better word.
It was an understatement to realize how hurtful it was when I knew that some of the people who I thought were my friends joined in on it at times.
Eventually, I had to cut ties with them in hopes that everything would end.
It was.
Yet some thoughts will always persist.
It took me months before I could work up the courage to stop skipping lunches and hiding in the library in my current school, while giving the excuse that I was studying.
However, some things may never change.
I still tend to please other people as best as I can out of fear that they would hate me too.
I still tend to beat myself up over every single mistake I made, even though I know that people aren't supposed to be perfect.
And I will always be scared of making friends because I worry that they will screw me over one way or another, no matter how much I don't want to be alone at all.
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Did I get better?
Definitely not.
I still have to put up with these thoughts everyday.
But I'm taking the steps to get to where I once was, and that's what matters right now.
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