For those of you who read a certain post before this one, you would have found out that I attempted suicide once.
And that I still contemplate it sometimes.
The thoughts never leave me alone.
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I've never been able to say that out loud. People say that the more tempting a thought is, the more forbidden it seems. So I say it aloud, in a room where no one can hear me.
At the same time, it doesn't even feel like confession sometimes.
It just happens to be a blunt, simple truth about myself.
And what a rotten word it is. When I say it, I feel in control of my life - and that I can end it anytime I want.
It feels morbid, but that's just how it is sometimes.
I believe that I've heard somewhere that a suicidal urge is not having affection for death. Rather, you experience it because you are terrified of living.
A suicidal person does not kill themselves out of the reason that death is appealing. They do so the same way one is willing to leap out of a window in a burning building.
Now, the terror of falling to death may remain constant, but it somehow becomes the lesser of the two evils against the terror of burning to death.
It's not about setting one's heart on the fall, it's about dreading the pain and horror the flames will bring.
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So, does anyone right now feel like their life is completely pointless and that they are worth nothing?
Most of it just consists of an endless loop of the following steps :
Tell yourself you're worthless
Feel bad about it
Because you feel bad, go to step 1
A solution to this would be getting yourself into a positive feedback loop (for the lack of a better term).
For example, changing step 1 into a compliment instead of an insult. Even though it will certainly take a long time to fix this (especially since self-deprecating humor is very common nowadays), it should make you feel a little better about yourself.
Another alternative would be to pick something you can already do as a hobby - or maybe something you should do or something you've always wanted to try (whether that be cycling, gaming, drawing, etc.). Commit to doing that thing for an hour, even if the voices in your head repeatedly tell you that you are terrible at this and it's not going very well. Regardless, just try to do it earnestly and passionately.
Even if the results are trivial, you will feel accomplished for having done something productive.
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Still feeling worthless?
No need to worry.
Your organs are at least worth a lot of money on the black market.
(And if you're curious on how much - your heart alone is worth US $650,000.)
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On a more lighthearted note - if a person with warm hands decides to hold hands with someone that has cold hands, will that create thermodynamic equilibrium?
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Might as well put down some other things I have been thinking about recently...
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When you clap, you hurt yourself to make others feel better.
Nothing is on fire. Fire is on things.
Whenever you say "forward" or "back", your lips move in those directions.
The Japanese flag can be a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
It is kind of odd that theme parks can snap a clear picture of a rollercoaster at many miles per hour, but bank surveillance cameras can't get a clear shot of a thief standing still.
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